Spartan Shape-Up, Day 89:
It was a day today, BlogLand. It was one of those kind that I succumb to every now and again, and I really don't want to document it on paper... but, for the sake of the completeness of this blog, the accountability of it, and the honesty I've promised from the beginning, here goes.
... Read on at your own risk... but it turns out okay in the end. Promise.
As I get deeper entrenched into this training and lifestyle (which I love, incidentally), many things have happened. I've met tons of new people, gained inspiration and motivation from people I've never met and felt connected through a common thread of desire to push to the limits.
Although (here it comes) I will admit to you, often those same people - who 99% of the time serve as the most excellent training motivators, because they force me to want to be better, and never get complacent - occasionally trigger one of my own greatest Achilles heels: Self-doubt. Most days, for instance, I look at the women of Sparta running their marathons, doing handstand pushups, dominating every event they enter and I think, YES. I want to be like that, I'm going to train hard and someday I'll keep up with her. Or, I'll someday have abs like that! or be able to bust out 100 burpees! But then.... some days, when other parts of my life aren't going well, or the negative voices around me have gotten particularly loud, or there's just life clutter in my brain, those thoughts take a complete 180... Who am I fooling? I'm never going to be able to run 10 miles. This fat chick will never look like a Glamazon. How do I think I'm going to get over a 8ft vertical wall, or climb a rope? I don't have that arm strength. Why did I ever think that I could become something I don't know how to be? I'll never belong in that crowd... and on... and on... Seriously, you can only imagine.
Tonight was one of those nights. I somehow managed to injure my foot yesterday (unrelated to my run). Nothing serious I don't think, but enough that I was limping today all day, and it's not feeling much better. I spent the evening soaking it in a bucket of hot water, and then icing it and back and forth. Incidentally, it seems to feel a bit better... but, we shall see.
Basically, I came home from work and was tired. I haven't been sleeping all that great. In my tired brain, I allowed myself to get sucked into a conversation with my roommate, comfy clothes and the evening time-suck began. But, legitimately, my foot was hurting like a mo-fo. Then, I made dinner, which turned out horribly.... and I was unsatisfied. And feeling down. And feeling pain (seriously, wtf, foot?)... and rather than do something productive, like my scheduled workout, I did some mindless snacking and eating (which I haven't done in quite a long time). .... and immediately felt guilty. I didn't even WANT to do that. I WANTED to do my workout. But it was (by then) 10 pm, and my foot effing hurt, and my brain wouldn't stop telling me I felt ridiculous about all this, and why even bother, and all those things. I tell you, my brain knows JUST what to say.
I felt guilty because I let my own self-doubt get in the way, and I knew it. I felt like I've been fighting a battle in vain, to be a person that I can't be....
... however, in my old age, I have at least learned to recognize these moods and recognize them for what they are. Don't get me wrong, that doesn't make them easier.... but sometimes, it does make them a little easier to isolate. As in, "TODAY" I fell down... but TOMORROW I will get back up. Not just one big crash and burn. One foot in front of the other, and move through it.
So, BlogLand... I am here to report in. I did not work out today. I should've. I have no excuse. I did let my self-image demons get the better of me, and whisper the seeds of doubt....
But here I am.
Not. Done. Yet.
Taking this time to remind myself that this is for ME, not anyone else, or to be like anyone else. This is to lose MY last 45#, to show myself that I can do things I never thought I could, to live a lifestyle I'm proud of, and to have something to look back at and say, "Yeah, I DID do that." (... I'm coming for you, Amesbury Spartan Sprint, 2012!).
In the process, there will be these days. And I'm learning, slowly, that that's okay. I'm human, and all the crazy emotions and personality and crap that goes with it, is why I am who I am.
So... the net result: I'm going to bed. Today is over, and with it, I'm letting go of the ugly thought processes. Tomorrow, I will wake up, as Spartan as ever, attack my work day, then cruise over to CrossFit and own that workout, with all the sweat, drive and heart that I have in me.
Why? Because someday, I'm going to do handstand push-ups, too.