Thursday, February 23, 2012

"Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go." ~T.S. Eliot

Spartan Shape-Up, Day 218:

I feel all off kilter, BlogLand. That hamstring thing screwed up my whole "schedule" and now it's all askew. Ack. More on this later.

This morning I got up and (rather than run in the cold ice-rain) decided to do WOD #1 of the CrossFit Open Qualifier... My gym is running them, but I'm not participating, as there are a couple of weekends I can't be there for the competitions... HOWEVER, doesn't mean I can't follow along the WOD's.

WOD #1: 7 minutes of Burpees. Count Reps.

... This is like the 7th layer of Hell in Aja-Land. We all know how much I LOVE and ADORE Burpees (...of Death!). But, I decided since I had copped out (?!) on my run, I better get after this.

Kitchen timer set, music on, Inov-8's on (I learned the hard way that numerous burpees, barefoot, on carpet is a blister-tastic idea...). And off I went.
Now, I recently did a burpee-benchmark at the gym - one full minute of burpees. I rocked 22 burpees in that minute. Of course, that's just one minute. Although, I figured, hey, even if I did 15 in a minute, that puts me at like 105 in 7 minutes... but if I allow for slow-down, maybe like 90 would be a good number to shoot for? That seemed rational to me.


ONLY 58. I chastised myself for stopping to breathe. I was/am disappointed. That was no where NEAR 90. I was frustrated. Could I have done better? Yeah, maybe if I warmed up more, or something, maybe I could've gotten to 65 or something... but I don't see that I could've miraculously pulled out 70, even.
This felt like a GIANT slap with Cold, Hard, Reality.

... I feel like I'm talking a good show, lately, but I'm not delivering.  Or at least not delivering like I should be.

This is what happens in the brain of a competitive person (who has some insecurities around this fitness stuff, anyway), when they "lose" as I did with myself and the burpee challenge.

Suddenly I thought of all the events I'm signed up for and how I'm not ready. How my training for the last two months has been inconsistent (at best) for no reason I would consider adequate (aside from this latest hamstring thing). How I haven't seen the progress I imagined, because I'm not doing the work. How my weight-loss has stopped (am I up a bit!?), because I've gotten slightly less diligent on the food and am not WOD'ing to the point I should be to burn it off.
I thought of the pull ups I still can't do. But haven't been practicing like I planned...
I thought of the morning WOD's I've been sleeping through (and not always making up at night)...
I thought of the events I'm going to be at with a lot of people I don't want to look stupid and unprepared in front of...

I've had plenty of time, but my focus has gotten distracted. I'd blame it on the season... but, excuses don't do anyone any good.

I'm scared, BlogLand. I made all these promises to myself (I'm going to rock a Spartan Race! I'm going to check out CMC! I'm going to do a pull up on my birthday! I'm going to be under 200# by March 15!), and I feel like I'm not going to get there. What happens if I don't make them?

*deep breath*

I went to work. No literally, like my job. Then something crazy happened. Someone asked me to be the 4th on their Relay team for a big marathon up here in May: The Key Bank VT City Marathon. I'd have to run a leg of about 5.5 miles. As a knee-jerk reaction, I said Sure! I'd love to!... and I meant it at the time. How cool would that be?! Run a piece of a marathon (rumor has it I might have the finish leg!)!..... Then I freaked out, in the light of this morning's Epic Fail. I haven't been running consistently. I'm not fast, at all. I don't want to be the Weak Link in the team. (Fat Chick Syndrome flared up HARDCORE) WTF was I THINKING?!

I wanted to throw up a bit. (we're all about honesty here, BlogLand).

What I want to say now is a bunch of inspirational stuff about how I'm re-focused and have my eyes on the prize and all that. But really, I'm still freaking out, internally. About all of this. It's been really hard to go it alone with all of this, lately, and these are the times I need people the worst. When I'm in my own head and saying the wrong things. I know I'll be "fine" at all of this... but I'm not happy with "fine". I have goals, and I want to get to them... but I can't seem to kick my ass the right way, lately.

Argh. Things I'm thinking, right now:
1) ... I think I'm going to spare you all from this one.
2) I need more fitness friends near me. I am pushing hard (am I?) and doing this for me... but as a social creature, always going it ALONE is draining. CrossFit classes are a life-saver here, even though I can't seem to find any outside-of-class opportunities.
3) I feel really worked up about all this, lately. Yes, I stress about theses things, Yes, I put more pressure on myself than maybe I should. Yes, I should relax about this stuff. Sorry, I don't roll like that. I'm going to be worked up, until I can get it sorted out. Need to enlist the GT and get a plan going, so the mind can quiet, stop freaking out, and get back down to business.
4) This probably all sounds like a big ramble-rant, which seems silly, over some BURPEES?
5) I need to go to bed.

On which note, I think I shall conclude tonight's entry with at least a promise to saddle up tomorrow and get back down to business. It's supposed to be some kind of crazy snow-storm, so it may be an at-home WOD night.

No Excuses, Self.

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