"Continuous effort - not strength or intelligence - is the key to unlocking our potential." ~ Winston Churchill

Here I am again, Blog.

It seems like every year around this time, I dedicate some time to you, in hopes of getting back in the habit of writing about my life. Why do I keep coming back to write? Because, I think, in some way, spewing out the struggles, the day to day, the wins, the questions, helps me process through it and get to some sort of mental peace about it. Working on yourself - physically or mentally - isn't easy, but for me, writing it out makes it just a little bit easier.

There's been a lot that's happened in the last year... I've bought my first house (!!!! #ADULTING!!!)

The view of my new backyard... 

which has over 2 acres of lovely land, mountain views, a tiny pool (not kidding), and something like 60 high bush blueberry plants. Yep - I have a field of blueberries. I've been learning the "joys" of home-ownership, while also trying to enjoy home ownership. After all, I no longer have to care what the inevitable downstairs neighbor thinks of my music, or whether we're going to have a fight over parking.

However, with the excitement of moving just before the holidays, the holidays, learning all this house stuff, and Life in General, I found that perhaps I wasn't doing a very good job taking care of me. I started having random, intermittent panic attacks (for anyone that knows me, you'll understand how incredibly out of character this was!), was having trouble focusing on various tasks, just never felt motivated, and was struggling with seasonal depression (Damn. You. Winter.) more than ever. Upon really coming to realize this... after an amazing anxiety attack that involved throwing around a lot of wrapping paper (go ahead... laugh.).... I determined it was time to really make some effort on getting things back on the right track. AND SO.... here we are.

I've been doing a lot of training over at my gym - once a week for a personal training session, a couple days a week of bootcamp (think: ALL CARDIO), and 2x a week of a squat program. I've made some pretty significant progress, even though it - frustratingly - doesn't show. I can say I've definitely improved my cardio capacity, as much as my current weight will allow, and I've made massive gains in my strength.
I'm happy to report that at last weekend's in-house comp at the gym, I pulled a 340# Deadlift and a 263# Backsquat, which I think is pretty good for a fat kid!

I'm still actively working on the nutrition piece of things, working with a stellar nutritionist, who understands the demands of my lifting and crossfitting workouts, who doesn't believe in filling me full of shakes and powders, but instead, adjusting slowly for success. I will admit (deep breath) that I'm at an all-time high for my weight. It's depressing, I'm not at peace with that and I don't "love my body" at this point. I appreciate my body's strength, and I understand the potential it has, but I can't say that I'm "okay" with my current status. My current weight is uncomfortable, in the way, and not healthy.... so, on the quest I go to get rid of it.
(Sidenote: I'm logging obsessively on MyFitnessPal to track my macros and such, so if any of you are particularly militant about it and want to help keep each other on track - friend me!)

So, I guess that's the State of the Aja for the moment. Not great, but working to get better.

Victories for today (Let's keep it positive, shall we?):
- Went to the gym and got my squat session in!
- Tracked all my food for today, and am pretty close in my macros
- Wrote this blog. :-)

With that, I'm off for today, BlogLand - I've got an amazing Roast Chicken in the oven, flavored with honey from my Dad's bees and calamondin oranges that I grew myself. NOM NOM NOM!

... But I'll be back. Stay Tuned. I have a really good feeling about this year!

“Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.” – John Wooden

Left foot, Right foot, left foot, right foot...

It's been a good few days, BlogLand, with a distinct theme: Just keep moving. Try something. Anything. Decide to change.

On Thursday morning, I found myself up EARLY and headed out to go walking with my Mom, step-Dad and my Man (and the dog!). My Mom has recently been motivated by a health scare and is taking some significant steps to improve her health, despite the fact that she's 63, a heavy smoker and hasn't been particularly active for the last few years. It wasn't a long walk, maybe a mile and a half, but we (She!) was outside, moving and making a decision to change. I couldn't have been happier to walk along beside - what a great, motivational way to start the day. If my mother, given the physical/mental obstacles she's working with, can get off her couch, I have ZERO excuses to not get my ass in gear and continue down my path towards my fitness goals. For the last few days, I've used this thought as inspiration to go up and down the stairs and extra time, or skip the honey in my tea, or whatever little thing I need to do to stay on track. Blogland, if you learn only one thing from my list of trials and tribulations on my way to success, it's to compile a long list of reasons "why" you're doing what you're doing - especially those that exist outside of yourself. Whether it's the quadruple amputee many people saw take on a Spartan Race earlier this year, or simply your Momma skipping her morning smoke and taking a walk, supplemental motivation and inspiration is all around you. Take note.

Today was another "Run" day for me (I currently still use that term loosely), so I laced up the sneaks, grabbed the dog's leash and off we went. (it's worth noting that it was November 15, in VERMONT, and I was comfortable in capris and a t-shirt.... WTF? Hellooooo Global Warming.).
The Zombie, Run! 5K app is really a saving grace right now. I'm intrigued with the story line, and the workouts are very approachable, while still moving along my run training, that I don't feel like I dread taking them on.
Today went like this:
5 Minute Warm Up Walk
5 Minute Free Form Run (Run/Walk at your discretion)
THEN (5x)
1 minute run
1 minute walk
10 sec of knee lifts/high knees
NEXT
8 minute free form run
2 minutes of guided stretches
8 minute free form run
Walk/cooldown for remainder.

I am happy to report, BlogLand, that I successfully completed this workout as written. I ran every second of the run drills, and I ran a lot of the free form runs, in burst of run/walk. I'm really satisfied at how today went, because I feel like I'm making a bit of progress. A month ago, between rehab and pain and out-of-shapeness, running 1 whole minute (much less repetitively) would've been awful and just not doable. I'm also finding that with the small successes again, I feel motivated to keep going and keep pushing to the next thing. I was missing that for a while - without biting the bullet and getting over the initial unpleasantness, it's impossible to find your small successes. I'm glad I discovered this silly Zombie app, it's definitely easing the way.

Also today, I took another step to help hold myself accountable: I accepted a DietBet challenge. The basic idea of this DietBet is that each participants puts in $15, then has the following 4 weeks to lose 4% of their body weight (for me, this is just under 10 pounds...). If you do, then you go in the winners pool and split the pot of money. If you don't, you lose your cash. I like money and I don't like to lose at anything... SO... this seemed like a doable challenge to keep me moving.

UnHappy Scale Face. :-(

Subsequently, I got on the scale today, to determine my starting weight, etc. for this challenge. I pretty much wanted to die. I saw a number that I SWORE I would never go back to.... but thanks to Life in General and the fact that sometimes, Shit Happens, here I am.

While my initial reaction was one of shame, horror and OMFG ?!!?!?!?!!?!??!?!, I am happy to report that it has passed and I have come to a better place with my thought processes. Basically, it is what it is. It is where I am starting. That's it. It's no reflection on me as a human being, it's not a judgement of how awesome I am, or how much potential I have, it's just a number - one that I can, and will, change.

SO, BlogLand.... Starting today, I have 4 weeks (until December 15) to lose 9.9 pounds. It's on like Donkey Kong.

With that, I leave you all, in order to work on getting a better night's rest. Tomorrow, I'm up early to check out a BodyFlow (yoga/pilates/other?) class and then go take a stroll (5 miles...) around a pond with some Spahtens. It promises to be a good day.

One foot in front of the other.... slow progress is better than no progress!

If you put yourself in a position where you have to stretch outside your comfort zone, then you are forced to expand your consciousness. -- Les Brown

Spartan Shape-Up, Day 601:

Oh Blogland. I’ve been a horrid version of a Spartan, while my life has gone absolutely crazy and taken me with it.

To make a long story short, the holidays were hard and I never pulled up out of the Winter Blues nosedive. I have been trying and trying, but life doesn’t seem to want to cut me a break right now. Basically, I lost my lucrative but soul-sucking job, found my dream job but make no money. Find myself driving 1.5 hours (one way) several times a week and staying at an array of local places, wherever will be free.  In the midst of sorting that out (and some semi-permanent weekday accommodations), my landlord decided to reclaim my home-base and give me 60 days to find something else. And my darling boyfriend and his cat moved in.  Now, we all three are homeless… and torn in many directions by work family/friends and our activities.  Budget is tight and finding a living situation that fits most of our needs is… stressful. All in the last 2 months.

In the midst of all the stress, I have found myself reverting back to old behaviors. Mindless Stress eating. Lots of carbs (and stupid ones. Candy. Chips. Impulse buys.). I fell off the workout train and got horribly run over by it, and pretty much don’t even know what direction it went in, now. I’ve gained double digit weight back, everything (running, climbing, etc.) has gotten miserably difficult and frustrating again, and my jeans from this summer barely button.

I feel stressed out of my mind, stretched real thin and not feeling all that healthy.

My point being…… it happens to all of us.

Life happens and it’s time to regroup. There are things you can change and things you cannot. Sometimes you have to sit down and remind yourself of the difference. While I cannot change the balance in my bank account, I CAN control what I stuff in my face. I CAN control whether I squeeze in 30 minutes of yoga, or 30 minutes of bodyweight exercises. I can be mindful about drinking enough water.

It’s hard. Really hard. I think of the last big hill at the Vermont Beast, this year. I was, maybe, 11-12 out of 14 miles in, and it just kept going up. Through the forest. 45+ degree incline. There was no end in sight, everything hurt, I couldn’t breathe, and sweat was pouring off of me. I wanted to just sit down and  just be done, but I had to keep going, if I wanted to find the end. One foot in front of the other. Three steps then stop. Three more steps. Stop. Three more steps. Just keep moving. Slow, but forward.

After the longest hour (…? More? Less?) of my life, I saw the light breaking through the trees. I had climbed long enough and hard enough that I’d found the top. The hill leveled out, no more roots were grabbing at my ankles, my calves were no longer screaming at the incline. One step at a time, I’d made it. I took a deep breath and nearly cried with relief. I was far from the end, but I was definitely in a better place.

I think that’s where I am in my life right now. I’m at that dark point in a Spartan Race where you doubt. Where you wonder why you’re doing it. Whether you’re actually going to be able to finish. Whether you are, in fact, Spartan enough. How much longer you can keep going.

I've crossed many finish lines, muddy, beat up, bleeding and exhausted. But I’ve crossed them, when I wasn’t sure I should’ve even started. Each time, it was because I kept moving, no matter how slow. I’ve finished in the dark. I've finished in hurricanes. I've finished in pain.

But I’ve finished. Every. Single. Time.

I think it’s time to remind myself of that. I’ve proven myself stronger than I think, all my critics more wrong than they thought, done things I’ve thought were impossible, and kept going on Will alone, when all else failed.

There’s always a mountain. But I won’t let it win. 

It is our attitude at the beginning of a difficult task which, more than anything else, will affect it’s successful outcome. - William James

Spartan Shape-Up, Day 340:

It's good to be back, BlogLand. It feels like forever since I sat down and told you about the adventures I've been having. Although, I suppose that's because instead of having adventures lately, I've been grounded, benched and caged in my own body. It'd been horrid.

Last weekend I ran that 5K race, despite the pulling sensation in my knee. Then I got in the car and sat for 1.5 hours to drive home. When I got out of the car at home, it hurt. A lot. It was so tight I couldn't straighten my knee hardly and I was "walking" with a pronounced limp (okay... so, maybe a 5K road race wasn't my best plan?). I did everything I was supposed to - Ibuprofen, Ice, stretching... but then I got up on Sunday morning and crawled out of bed like I was 80. It hurt any time the muscles in my left leg engaged at all... and let's not even discuss uphill or up stairs.

Sunday night I was at home, foam rolling my leg (which hurt like hell), until I finally just sat on my living room floor and cried. I spent a lot of time being trapped in my body because of my weight and fitness, and was so insanely frustrated that it was happening AGAIN. Plus, I admit, I was a little extra worried because of the kind of pain it was - this wasn't the muscle stiffness and soreness I was accustomed to. This was sharp and pulling. This was much different... and in my head (particularly since it hadn't gone away in an extended period of time), serious. This was my KNEE.

After sitting and crying out the pain, worries and frustration, I decided to Spartan up and figure out the way over this metaphorical wall. There is always a way.

I ran my worries past the GT and a couple of other friends that know stuff and it was a universal opinion: Go get it checked out.

*gulp*

Have I mentioned that I have an irrational fear of doctors/hospitals? I avoid them at all costs, but my mobility was more important to me than my fears. I made an appointment.

As it turns out, my regular doctor was out and I got to see someone else. This particularly woman happened to be a 50 ish year old Triathlete. I felt like this boded well for the situation - to be a triathlete you have to be a little crazy and into the extreme (in my opinion), so she might understand where I was coming from.

She was wonderful. I mentioned Spartan Race and she immediately asked me if I was planning on doing the Beast in Killington ("Of course!"), and asked me if I had any other races coming up before then. She was talking to me like an *athlete*. I almost didn't know how to handle it, I won't lie. A lot of days, I still feel like that Fat Chick (Hello, FCS!), playing at fitness and training. It takes a long time to make those internal adjustments to something else.... but this woman - a serious athlete - was talking to me like a peer. When was my next race? How was I training?
Her next few words were magic to me, though. She dispelled my worst fears: "Well, you definitely don't have any tears or ruptures."

*sigh of relief* It was apparently "just" some inflamed tendons in the back of my knee. She then made me love her just a little bit more, by informing me that she could tell me to recover the slow and easy way - ice and a lot of rest, and they'd eventually calm down. But then she went on to tell me that she wouldn't do that to me in the middle of race season, and there were other ways we could get this better, as she referred me immediately off to a sports-specializing Physical Therapist.

Feeling a little lighter and a lot less worried, I hobbled home and awaited the next day's appointment with the PT.

After a lot of poking, prodding and manipulating my legs and joints, the PT came to the same conclusion. There was nothing serious or unfixable. I absolutely would not be laid up for weeks on end. But then he told me what was actually wrong (the root of the inflamed tendons).

His hypothesis was that sometime during the race I had probably (PROBABLY. Ha!) slid sideways or at just the right angle that I had sort of "sprained" my pelvis (Your pelvis is actually 3 bones, that can get displaced like any other). By screwing up the alignment in my pelvis, my left leg was 1/2 in shorter than the right leg. So, the (left) short leg was reaching and straining to keep up, resulting in the ragingly inflamed tendons.

Oddly, this made a sort of sense. The good news was (according to my PT) that my general construction and bone alignment is really good, so he didn't anticipate this being a reoccurring issue - I had just managed a perfect storm of moments to get here.

Then it got awkward. LOL. Ever had someone realign your pelvis? It's a little strange. While some of it is done with your own muscles (putting your leg in certain positions and pushing, etc.), at some point, they have to put their hands on you. Quite frankly, it is a little strange to have some old dude you just met checking the alignment of your seat bones, etc.

But I disassociated enough to get through that, and he told me to get up and walk around. Let me tell you, BlogLand, those were the most wonderful steps I'd taken in a long time. I was 90% better already. He made me step up some steps and walk back and forth, and while I could still feel that my tendons had some healing to do, they weren't pulling like crazy, the pain was negligible and I could WALK without limping. YES. Weird, but simple solution.

So, to follow up, I have to go back for a check up this week, but I am supposed to not run at all or do anything that will pull on my knee through this weekend. Just ice and rest and swimming (apparently, between the doc and the PT, swimming is a miracle cure!). Starting on Monday, if it feels okay still, I can start trying some easy runs with walking in them. Basically, as soon as or if it starts hurting, I am to stop immediately. He, like my GT, told me to be smart about it and use some good judgement.

It is really challenging though, as the weather has been wonderful (if a little hot...). I haven't really been able to go out running in 2 weeks and I feel like a wild animal in a cage. I never, EVER thought I'd say this, but I really miss it. I WANT to go for a run. Rest assured, though, I'm following directions and taking care of this... it's got to heal in the best way possible. I'm not taking any chances. After all, it's Race Season!
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On another note, the official countdown is on. Twelve Days until my 30th Birthday.

Wow.

I have some goals I'm shooting for, that I'm hoping to hit on that day, so the GT and I have revamped the eating plan and the workouts for the next couple of weeks to (hopefully!) crush those goals into the ground.
It may be an ugly couple of weeks, but nothing I can't or won't handle.
In prep for this, I got on the scale and took my measurements today, for the last time until my birthday. I then took a deep breath, and refocused my mind. I have faith in the process and the journey. Now is the time to just let go and do some work.

Commence the officially titled,

"Experiment in Being More Awesome."